few years ago, I was at a dinner party with a bunch of new people. There were lots of people from the self-development world and we were all getting to know each other.
It was a pretty normal dinner until one woman — who’d been in a string of bad relationships — started asking for advice from the “love coach” sitting across from her.
“It’s not about finding random men,” she said. “I keep going on horrible dates. The guys are unavailable. Why can’t I find someone real?”
It’s actually pretty amazing to hear this in public from someone you just met. I sat back, slowly chewing and loving every minute of it.
The love coach sat back and waited for her to finish. “Are you sure you want to change?”
The girl: “YES!”
And then she said this:
“You’ve been public as a single woman. You’ve written columns about going on dates. Your entire identity is about being single. If you got in a serious relationship, you’d have to rewrite that entire identity. Are you ready for that?”
I will never forget the look on this woman’s face. She was completely dumbfounded.
Of course, I found this fascinating. Even though this woman claimed she wanted to change, in reality, she didn’t want to give up being single.
Every date, she looked for the tiniest things to go wrong. And when they did, it was an instant red flag, “This guy’s all wrong for me.” In other words, she’d written off her dates and committed to staying single — before they even happened!
The most interesting part is she hadn’t even realized she was doing this until the love coach pointed it out.
How many of us have created an identity around something that’s holding us back from living a Rich Life?
The truth is, we all do this. How many of us want to change our job, lose 20lbs, or dress better? Easy to complain about it. But what if there was an invisible script guiding us to make the wrong decisions…that we didn’t even consciously recognize? (“I’m not the kind of guy who needs to change my clothing…that’s for shallow people.”)
We all have this — me included! There are things I want to do that I can’t seem to bring myself to do. And that’s why I flew one of the world’s foremost experts on changing behavior into studio for an interview.
A Harvard Lecturer puts Ramit in the hotseat
Meet Lisa Lahey, Harvard Lecturer and co-founder of Minds at Work. Lisa studies why we say we want to change — when we really don’t.
She was a guest in my Brain Trust program and gave an incredibly insightful 1hr+ long interview.
But today, I just want to highlight one part of our session in particular: where she rolls up her sleeves and puts ME in the hotseat.
We talk about the bane of my existence: delegating. It’s something I’ve struggled with a lot.
It’s actually a little uncomfortable to talk about it. But Lisa zeroed in on it and helped me uncover some of the real reasons I said, “I really need to delegate, but…” and kept putting it off.
Watch this Harvard Lecturer put me in the hotseat below.
At 7:17 she called me out on the real reason I wasn’t changing.
By the way, the lessons in this video don’t just apply to me or running a business. They apply to any situation where you find yourself talking about what you need to do — lose weight, start a business, or get a better job — and haven’t yet.
I believe you can use these insights for any challenge you’re facing and create a breakthrough for yourself with in the next 48 hours.
Enjoy!
-Ramit
