10 Questions To Ask Your Wife Every Year

The best remedy for marriage conflict is marriage communication. Disagreements, fights, impasses, separations and divorce can be traced back to poor communication more than any other factor. Likewise, listening amounts to some of the best relationship medicine around. Listening works best when we ask good questions. 

Good questions indicate bona fide concern. The man who asks good questions is already well on the way to communication excellence. The best questions also serve as conversation starters. Remember, you are interested in her. But, once you start talking, she’s going to ask stuff too. The more you know each other on a deep level, the easier it is to fall in love all over again. Here are 10 questions to ask your wife every year:

1. What do you think is going right in our relationship?  It’s been a while since you took the marriage vows. But it’s still true that positive affirmation leads to more productive change than negative evaluation. It’s helpful to identify our strengths. Once we know them we can play to them. Building each other up is always a win-win.

2. Where would you like our relationship to be this time next year?  It doesn’t matter where we are, there’s always room to be better. She might say, “I’d like to see more spontaneous affection.” Or, “I want us to be moving forward together in our faith.” She could say, “I want our relationship to involve more fun!

3. Will you please marry me, all over again?  Say it with flowers. Say it like you mean it. Make sure your wife knows how much you cherish her

4. I’d love to hear about your dreams for the future.  A wise Hebrew writer once wrote, “Without a vision, the people perish.” Listen to your wife, imagine great things together, and then step into the possibilities

5. Is there anywhere you’d like to visit this coming year?  Indulge a little whimsy. Listen, laugh together, fantasize about fabulous vacations, and then tuck the information away somewhere, so you can possibly plan a trip. A good husband listens to his wife’s dreams. A great husband weaves them into their plans for the future

6. Do you think we’re doing OK financially?  This needs to be an ongoing conversation. However, like any small business (and a family is like a business in many ways), the directors need to have a comprehensive annual meeting to evaluate the finances and the plan for the coming year

7. How are you doing health-wise?  Encouraging one another involves accountability. Partners should never remain ignorant when it comes to health concerns.  And not just physical health.  It’s also important to take inventory of each other’s emotional well-being

8. If you could change one thing about our priorities as a family, what would it be?  Notice this isn’t an invitation to criticize, but more an opportunity to grow together. Possible answers might include

– I’d like to see less TV time and more family time with one another at home.

– We’re not eating together enough. I’d like to see dinnertime valued a little more. -We say can’t afford a family vacation, but then we eat out 2-3 times a week. Maybe we should shift that one around!

9. Is there anything I devote regular time to that you see as a possible threat to our family or our relationship?  Patterns take time to emerge. When we look back – or from another person’s point of view – sometimes we can see more clearly. Ask your wife if there are any adjustments you can make (Consistently late for dinner? Too much golf? Too many evenings with “the boys”?) that would help her to feel more secure

10. Are you happy?  It’s a good question even if she says she’s happy already. “What can I do to make you more happy?” is a great discussion.  Again, this is where good, active listening is very important.  And your wife’s greatest happiness will always be found in God, so encourage her to grow in her faith

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How I Do It All‏

I get asked a lot how I do it all.  How do I raise 4 kids, work outside the home full time, manage a home and family schedule, work on my marriage of 26 years, and still find time for Families with Purpose.  And my answer is always the same, I don’t do it all, only the important.  And for the important I have set up very specific systems to help manage it all.



My goal in life isn’t to do it all, but to do what’s important.  I focus my life on doing what excites me and what I feel I have been called to do.  Here is how you too can determine what's important and how to do a better job of fitting the important into your life.
 

Get Crystal Clear on Your Values, Priorities, and Vision and Be Unwilling to Compromise Them

Before you do anything else you need to get crystal clear on what’s important.

You might not necessarily know how to get there, but if you know where you are going and what is really important you will figure out how to get there.

That is why we have a family mission statement, created a family vision, and why I have my own personal mission and vision for my life.  That is why Joe and I have been very deliberate in choosing and teaching our core family values.

Clarity is what keeps you from floundering and flittering from one quick fix to another.   Clarity is what will keep you focused.
 

Keep It All in Perspective

I know it is hard when you are excited about your life, have lots you want to accomplish, but can’t seem to find time to work on your projects or accomplish any of your goals.  Babies who aren’t sleeping through the night or kids’ activities that take up all your spare time will make accomplishing your goals harder.  But the reality is that someday your kids will sleep through the night and someday your kids will need you less and you will have more time and energy to work on your projects.

So TRY to be present in the moments you have now, enjoy your season of life, and find little ways of continuing to work on your personal goals and ambitions.  Just small actions like reading books, taking short classes, or setting aside time every week to work on your own goals will help keep your own dreams alive.  Try not to lose sight of who you are or what you want to accomplish in life in the midst of the busyness of raising a family.
 

Let the Unimportant Go

I know this is easier said than done and it took me a long time to learn how to do it, but if something isn’t tied directly to your vision and values you either have to eliminate it from your life or find ways of simplifying it or delegating it.  For me I had to learn how to let go of the idea of having a spotlessly clean organized house.  Too much of my identity was tied up in how clean my house was even though nowhere in our family vision did we indicate that this was important to us.  It was something I thought a good mother and wife should do.  And though I truly appreciate a clean picked up house I didn’t necessarily enjoy doing it or sacrificing my time that I could be spending elsewhere.  So I simplified it by scaling back what I tried to do each week and delegated some of it to the kids.

And what really helped me learn how to let the unimportant go was learning how to get excited about my life and the things that were most important to me.  Things like being the mother and wife I wanted to be, being present and available when my family needed me and helping other families through the FWP community.

What in your life are you excited about?
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